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Clean Christmas Puns and Jokes

I LOVE puns and clean jokes!  They make me laugh out loud.  Hope you like some of these  Christmas-themed ones:

 

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L.

What is green, covered with tinsel and says, “Ribbit, ribbit?”
A mistle-toad.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?
They both drop their needles.

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?
He had the drum sticks.

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season’s Greetings.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
Because he was stuffed.

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe!

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an Macintosh?
A pineapple.

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve?
Blackmail.

What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

What song do Santa’s reindeer sing on his birthday?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

You better get spruced up if you’re going to sell Christmas trees.

What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

What is Santa Claus’ favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.

Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.

Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

When Santa has a barn dance, what does he call it?
A Ho Ho Ho Down.

What do you call an ELF who sings?
A Wrapper!

What is a typical elf greeting?
“Small world, isn’t it?”

What do elves have to learn before they can read?
The elfabet.

If Santa rides in a sleigh, what do elves ride in?
Mini vans.

How long are an elf’s legs?
Long enough to reach the ground.

Who makes toy guitars and sings, “Blue Christmas?”
Elfis.

What did the reindeer say before beginning his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.
“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.
“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?
He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

Which reindeer was known for his bad manners?
Rude-olph.

What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one?
At a retail store.

Why does Scrooge love reindeer?
Because every buck is deer to him.

 

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Using QR codes in my classroom.

I’ve been using QR codes in my Grade 12 chemistry classrooms this year.  It’s my new project to enhance my lessons.

A little bit of history: Our board has recently lifted its ban on the use of web-enabled devices in the school.  It has left it up to individual teachers whether they will allow the use of such devices in the classroom.  Our students aren’t used to using them in the classroom, so I went looking for ways of making it ‘interesting’ for them to do so.

I then read this post, which highlights different ways of using QR codes in the classroom.  I encourage you to read it, there are some awesome ideas there.

I decided to encourage the use of web-enabled devices through the use of QR codes in two ways:

1) I use QR codes on assignment handouts that point to the answer keys for those assignments on the course website I maintain for my grade 12 chemistry classes.  I normally make a hard copy of the answer key available at the front of the room while students have class time to work on assignments.  Including the QR code allows them to pull up the answer key on their web-enabled device right at their seat.

2) I like silly puns.  I post a new one outside my door everyday.  I now also post a ‘bonus pun‘ in the form of a QR code.  As silly as it may seem, many students have told me that ‘wanting to know what the bonus pun was’ turned out to be the reason they learned how to scan a QR code with their device in the first place.

I’d love to hear how you use, or plan to use, QR codes in your classes or lessons.

Time for some Science Puns…

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn’t put it down?  –It was probably just light reading–

“This old pipe is rusty”, said Tom, ironically.

What to do if you are a dark cloud: uranium.

When someone leaves: they argon.

Essential element of politicians: tungsten.

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million microphones = 1 phone

1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs =1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Some of my favourite one-liners

I have a reputation at my school for being the ‘bad joke’ teller.  I love ‘groaner’ jokes.  I love incorporating humour in my classroom in just about every lesson. (I wait a week or two into the school year before I show this side of myself to my students so that I can set a proper tone in my class so that my students know exactly what I expect from them.  Once the “lines” of mutual respect are well established, then I start incorporating the humour.)

One of the things I like to do is to post a new ‘ponderism or joke of the day’ just outside of my classroom door every day.Currently, I have a database of 278 of them!  (Of course, being one of the computer geeks of the school, I have them in a database so that I can print a new one everyday with just a couple of clicks!)

Here are some of my favourites (please comment with some of your own so that I can add to my collection!):

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you put a slinky on an  escalator, will it go forever?
Why isn’t there another word for synonym?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they complain that they taste funny?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get the Teflon to stick to the pots and pans?
Why do our noses run, but our feet smell?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Is it OK to go door-to-door selling “No Soliciting” signs?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “fours”?
Whose cruel idea was it to put the letter ‘s’ in the word lisp?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear ‘bright’ until we hear them speak?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a ‘walk’?
If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication often stored on the bottom shelf?

…and the list goes on!…

Some of my favourite science ‘groaner’ jokes

1) Two atoms are in a bar.  The first complains to the second: “Man, I’ve lost an electron!”.  Second: “Are you sure?”.  First: “Yeah, I’m positive!”

2) A neutron walks into the same bar.  The bartender says to the neutron: “For you, no charge!”

3) Why are ions so good looking?…….They’re attractive!

…..feel free to groan…..

Know some of your own?  Add them as a comment!  I’ve love to read them!