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Clean Christmas Puns and Jokes

I LOVE puns and clean jokes!  They make me laugh out loud.  Hope you like some of these  Christmas-themed ones:

 

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L.

What is green, covered with tinsel and says, “Ribbit, ribbit?”
A mistle-toad.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?
They both drop their needles.

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?
He had the drum sticks.

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season’s Greetings.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
Because he was stuffed.

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe!

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an Macintosh?
A pineapple.

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve?
Blackmail.

What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

What song do Santa’s reindeer sing on his birthday?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

You better get spruced up if you’re going to sell Christmas trees.

What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

What is Santa Claus’ favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.

Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.

Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

When Santa has a barn dance, what does he call it?
A Ho Ho Ho Down.

What do you call an ELF who sings?
A Wrapper!

What is a typical elf greeting?
“Small world, isn’t it?”

What do elves have to learn before they can read?
The elfabet.

If Santa rides in a sleigh, what do elves ride in?
Mini vans.

How long are an elf’s legs?
Long enough to reach the ground.

Who makes toy guitars and sings, “Blue Christmas?”
Elfis.

What did the reindeer say before beginning his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.
“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.
“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?
He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

Which reindeer was known for his bad manners?
Rude-olph.

What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one?
At a retail store.

Why does Scrooge love reindeer?
Because every buck is deer to him.

 

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Time for some Science Puns…

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn’t put it down?  –It was probably just light reading–

“This old pipe is rusty”, said Tom, ironically.

What to do if you are a dark cloud: uranium.

When someone leaves: they argon.

Essential element of politicians: tungsten.

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million microphones = 1 phone

1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs =1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms